I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
