Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Randomize