i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
