I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
