If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
well you can't waste a boner
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
