mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
