i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
