before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize