Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
