It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
