You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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