trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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