What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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