Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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