I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
