i think i have herpe
just one?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
