she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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