I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
