high people should be assigned attendants
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize