She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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