got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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