she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
