closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
