That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize