You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
a search helicopter?!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize