Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
