i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize