I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
