In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
