I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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