i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
