I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
