i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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