dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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