I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
