Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
