Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
