Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
