Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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