I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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