I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize