he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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