I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
