i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
