ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
