So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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