Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
FUCK WHALES
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
