Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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