it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
