official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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