you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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