My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
