i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
