Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
