Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Holy shit dude........stairs
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