there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
