You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
pray to the hookup gods
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
