My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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