i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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