I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize