it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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