I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
