the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
that is very illegal...i love you.
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