I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
two words: eviction party
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Randomize
